Soul Reaver Infomercial
by Oolongo
Summary: This fic actually comes from a dream I had after watching some Defiance outtakes before falling asleep. All I really did was write the dream down so I hope you all like it!


Just so you guys know I have never been a good writer, but I had this messed up dream with Kain and Raziel (un-dead version of course) selling stuff on the Shopping Channel. So I just wrote down what I could remember.

* * *

**Int. Television Studio**   
_Kain is standing behind a kitchen counter. The item number (8798-526S) will be present at upper left hand side of screen along with item specs and shipping information during the whole program. In small print at the bottom of the screen will be a disclaimer stating that all items and characters appearing in our show are copyrighted and not property of TNSC (The Nosgoth Shopping Channel)._

**Kain**

Now let us welcome our next guest Raziel who will be showing us his wonderful new product.  
** (**_Kain starts clapping along with the audience_**)**  
  
**Raziel **

**(**_Walks onto the set and waves to the crowd before shaking hands with Kain_**)**   
Hello there Kain, thanks for having me on the show!  
  
** Kain**

It's great to have you here Raziel, what do you have to show us today?  
  
**Raziel  
****  
** **(**_Motioning towards a wraith like blade on the counter_**)**   
Well Kain, today I've brought along the Roto Reaver 5000 Series!  
  
_**Audience claps**_  
  
**Kain **

Well Raziel it looks like you've out done yourself this time. But what kind of things would a common home owner like myself get from using the Roto Reaver 5000 series?  
  
** Raziel**

That's a great question Kain.  
**(**_He turns to look at the camera_**)**  
Now what really sets apart the 5000 series from any other brand of reaver are the uses that each one of the eight upgrades provides over the basic spectral reaver you can buy in stores.  
  
**Kain **

Sounds intriguing, why don't you show us a few uses of these amazing upgrades?  
  
**Raziel**

Of course, since we are already in the kitchen lets start by showing a neat way you can use the Fire Reaver upgrade along with the Air Reaver upgrade to cook and serve a meal in only minutes.  
  
**Kain  
**  
**(**_Looking shocked_**)**   
Minutes? But how would it be safely cooked in just minutes, it's not possible!  
  
** Raziel**

Impossible maybe for most cooking methods like the microwave and the oven, but not the Fire Reaver.   
**(**_He takes out a plate of nicely arranged meats and vegetables that are raw_**)**   
Now with the Fire Reaver I can quickly and easily roast all of these items on the same plate. All you have to do is turn on the Roto Reaver and set it to Fire then just run it through your prepared meal.  
**(**_Raziel will demonstrate the next steps while explaining them_**)**  
**(**_The food turns red hot but does not burn_**)**  
Now obviously this would be a little to hot to eat right away right? Well not with the Air Reaver, just wave it over the food and it'll be nice and cool.  
**(**_Shows plate to camera to show perfectly cooked foods_**)**  
  
**Kain**  
  
**(**_Said after tasting a sample of the food_**)**  
Wow! Now that's delicious, and who wouldn't want to be done a family dinner in literally seconds?  
  
** Raziel**  
  
Exactly Kain.  
  
**Kain  
**  
But Raziel, you mentioned seven upgrades. What kind of things can the others do for the common home owner?  
  
**Raziel  
**  
I'm glad you asked that Kain, now a few of the other reavers that will come with this set are any gardeners delight. They are the Earth, Water and Light reavers.  
  
**Kain  
**  
Raziel, how could we ever garden with a wraith blade?  
  
**Raziel **

Well Kain all you have to do is start with the earth reaver to create a nice rich garden area anywhere around your house, then sprinkle the seeds of any flowers or plants you want. After that you just charge up the water reaver to keep the seeds nice and moist and next keep the light reaver charged and near them for about 1 – 2 days. Once day 2 goes by you'll have a lush green garden. Heck if you need to trim the hedges or grass after awhile you can even just use the material reaver to do it all in one easy step.  
  
**Kain  
**  
**(**He looks very impressed**)**  
Amazing! Now Raziel, what me and all the viewers at home want to know is how much can we expect to pay for such a wonderful product?  
  
**Raziel  
  
** **(**_Motioning to a display of a wraith blade with set pieces_**)**   
What a great question Kain. Now the Roto Reaver 5000 stands apart from all those other impersonation blades you can find at your local department stores, because there you can expect to pay at least $500 for just one reaver...just ONE reaver. But now only for this special TV offer you can get ALL of these blades, a charging stone, sheath, and if you call within the next 30 minutes I'll give you not one but two of these great sets for only 5 easy payments of $29.99 .  
  
** Kain  
**  
**(**_Gasp_**)**   
You get two sets for 5 easy payments of $29.99! Now that is what I call a great deal, even in my 10 years of hosting here at TNSC have I seen a deal such as this. At this price you could easily buy one a set for yourself and keep the other round for a last minute gift for a loved one.  
**(**_Looking at a piece of paper handed to him_**)  
**Well I just got word that we are almost sold out of this lot, we only have 50 units left so give us a call now to insure that you'll get this great item. You can reach a sales agent at 1-888-476-TNSC (8672) or log onto out website www.tnsc.nos . Well thank you so much for joining us today Raziel and brining along this wonder Roto Reaver 5000 series.  
**(**_Shakes Raziel's hand and Raziel exits screen, go into close up of Kain**.**_**)  
**Now just stay tuned because in the next hour we will be having a look at some Sarafan and Vampire influenced bed sheets and even full bedroom sets, so stay tuned for those as well as today's Premier Item all coming up in the next hour.


End file.
